Have you ever been to a place that is almost beyond beautiful and teeming with life, took tons of photographs and yet still feel a pang of sadness every time you see those? I have and even if the intensity of those emotions may not be as strong, it certainly remains…
Part of the reason…
We traveled to the Philippines last December of 2010. It was my husband’s first time to see the country of my birth and for me to show him what it’s all about. We almost postponed this trip because I was about 8-9 weeks pregnant at that time but we got the go-signal from our doctor that I was good to travel. We crammed this month-long trip with tons of activities from family reunions, to get-togethers with friends and relatives and beach trips to Batangas, Boracay and Palawan. I participated in most of the adventures except for when they did cliff-dive and parasail.
The last leg of our trip was just my husband and me to a place dubbed as “close to Heaven on Earth – Palawan – Coron specifically.” It was supposed to be a celebration and our way of saying goodbye to being just the two of us. We stayed at a very nice resort that is all-inclusive, ate our hearts out, took pictures of my belly (mostly just looking full from all the eating we did), snorkeled, hiked, swam and even met some new friends along the way. Everything was so perfect and we vowed to go back again if we get another opportunity.
Before we fly back to the US, my sister who is a doctor suggested I get an ultrasound just to make sure the life inside me is (was) doing fine. If there’s one thing I regret in my life, it was saying yes to that.
“There was no heartbeat…”
I was very prepared to be a mother at that time but God had a different plan, I guess. However, no amount of preparation got me ready to handle that grief when a life and light inside me died. I suffered in silence for a long time. I even wrote three years ago,
“I am struggling to find words… because there aren’t any…”
… Until now
I had what they called a missed miscarriage wherein there were no symptoms associated such as bleeding or pain at all. The first two months was the hardest after a failed DNC and then a dose of Misoprostol. Anyway, all these images got associated with that grief and it took me this long to finally have all of these come out. I probably won’t be able to tell you when relief and healing actually happened but it just did but what I am very sure of was that it was very slow.
I did understand eventually that it was beyond my control so I just let myself get swept away. Even though it was difficult to say it wasn’t my fault, I have embraced that I do deserve to be a mother because I am one now. The tides were very kind enough to send me back ashore safely and in one piece…
Lastly, looking at this images now, I am actually comforted that my last memories of that little life inside me who was too beautiful for Earth was on this wonderful island enough to be called Heaven on Earth… Now I wish we can go back every year to celebrate. 🙂